27 January 2013

“Won’t somebody please think of the children?!”


A classic quote from the 'The Simpsons'  90's hit cartoon series which liked to 'take the mickey' out of common scenarios.

Lately I have found myself asking the same question in a completely different context.

Following on from my last post and all the recent posts I have read regarding the things people say to mothers and adoptees there seems to be an absence of something.  Something so important it is mindboggling in its absence.  And that is the CHILDREN who are supposed to be in the middle of adoption.

Adoption blogs write a lot about children – how much they are wanted and how adopters have this need or pre-ordained duty to adopt because God apparently told them so very directly.  And of course, they profess to love those children as is mandatory when speaking about children.   And yet I don’t see ANYTHING in the majority of these blogs which show compassion, empathy or real love towards these children.  Nothing which acknowledges these children as individuals with unique needs and a family whom they are missing or is being missed.

Many (note: I did not say ALL) adopters and paps (prospective adoptive parents) spend their time writing about what they want from a child and putting down other adoptees and mothers who dare to suggest they think about the child and his/her mother first, that there appears to be no actual care or concern for the child they are seeking.

In general though, adoption is NOT about children.  No, it isn’t.  It is actually only about the adults and the children are the pawn or the object at the centre of one’s desire or conversation about adoption.  They feature only as the focus on a goal to obtain or as a pity case.

Blogs, articles, research papers, books etc into the real trauma of adoption and its lifelong affects are thrown out the window and completely ridiculed because it does not suit the adoption industry to recognise the truth and they do not want to halt the number of infant adoptions taking place each year, as that would be bad for the multi billion dollar business adoption generates. 

Adopters and PAPs regularly ignore and rubbish the experiences of adult adoptees unless they sing adoption’s praises… they will ONLY listen to those adoptees who will gush the usual rhetoric that is so accepted in adopto -land.  Should any other adopted adult provide a well balanced argument or simply state their own experience as to why they disagree with adoption as it is currently practised, they are thrown the bitter card, the angry card or better still, the grateful card.  Their words are ignored; they are summarily dismissed and yet, hang on… THESE PEOPLE WERE ONCE THE CHILDREN ADOPTION IS SUPPOSED TO CENTRE ON!!!!

Which leads me to make the glaringly obvious point (which will not be popular, could possibly generate much anger, but is simply true) that children are simply NOTat the centre of adoption and it is the PAPs and adopters who are… it is all about what they want and what they get.  They frequently attack and shrilly scream across boards, Facebook, other social media sites, blogs and rallies about their needs, what about them, how innocent they are and how they deserve a child.  Their entitlement oozes with the disdain shown to other natural parents and adoptees.  They don’t care about the children.  If they did, open adoptions would be enforced through solicitors’ offices, or adoption would be substituted for guardianship orders.  Adoption numbers of newborns would fall dramatically over night and the demand would cease.

No, adoption is not about the children (yes, I will be saying this frequently).  How can adopters profess to love their adopted child while so openly hating the child’s family from whom they came and are linked to forever? (Not to mention complaining and whinging about their adopted child) It doesn’t matter what the reason is for the child’s adoption, if you so obviously hate the mother, father and extended family of the child you adopt, then you do NOT love the child. The child which is of their family and thus will inherit traits and quirks of the family you are so willing to hate.  It is impossible for love to exist in such a hate fuelled environment.  And indeed, there is plenty of evidence out there to show just what adopters think of their adopted child’s natural/original family. 

Am I saying all natural families are perfect?  Far from it.  Of course they are not – like anyone (including adoptive families) they have their faults and issues.  But what I am saying is when you adopt a child, whether you like it or not and regardless of what the law states, you actually involve an adopted person’s ENTIRE  family.  Even if you never speak to them, even if you wish they were dead, you are now inextricably linked to this family forever; merely because you have brought into your home/taken their child.  Man’s law may rewrite legal documents and change factual details thus producing false documents (ie birth certificates) but Man’s law cannot change DNA.  It cannot change a primal cellular connection wherein mother and child are forever linked through their exchange of cells and blood.  It cannot change that which has been natural and primal since the dawn of time.

For those who desire to break this connection, to tear it asunder and then mock it, only deepens the obvious fact adoption is not about the children.  Not all adoptive families are like this.  There are those who genuinely believed they were doing the right thing at the time they adopted and have maintained a connection and a relationship with their child’s family or tried to put right what they can.  THEY GET IT.  And even then, in the families I know, this has not always worked but at least the adoptive families have made the effort and have put themselves out there to understand and genuinely CARE.  I wish so much they were the norm, the usual story, alas, they are not sadly.  And so we see blog after blog, forum after forum of adopters and PAPs who voice their contempt for the natural families of children who are adopted.

I don’t believe adoption and the best interests and welfare of a child will ever be compatible.  Not really.  Because the way the law is structured and the fact adoption is literally about applying a  guillotine to a child’s relationship with their natural family regardless of whether there is a need for that, adoption simply serves the adults and not children.  It has been this way since the very earliest adoption days and has only increased in this vein ever since.  Children, like in so many adult-serving institutions and methods, are not seen as people.  They are abused, silenced in the most brutal ways and adoption is one of those ways.  From birth, they are dismissed as being a blank slate who has no voice.  They are not given the choice, they cannot voice their opinions or desires and so adoption happens to them in a way it does not happen to anyone else.  Adopters actively CHOOSE adoption thus causing a demand, some mothers CHOOSE adoption because they believe the lies and the adoption industry rhetoric that abandoning their child means loving them.  More mothers actually do not get a choice and their child is taken via coercion and force or because the mother has neglected or abused her child.  In the midst of this storm happening over their heads, are the children.  Children!   Our precious and valuable children and they are treated in the most abominable ways.  I see how my own daughter lost to adoption has been silenced and other children like her and it really upsets me as it is simply wrong to silence a child in that manner.

As adults we have so much power in our hands to wield over children who are vulnerable to the way in which we wield that power.  It is downright scary to see the way this power is wielded in adoption.  Terrifying.  How can people profess to love a child when their actions outright contradict those words?

So adoption remains about adults.  Adults who have the power.  Adults who use their skills in manipulation to wield their power over other adults momentarily without power, meanwhile without thought for the child supposedly at the centre of all this.

So I ask, will someone think of the children?  For real?  Forsaking their own desires and wants?  Will someone seek to discover the truth about adoption without putting their own need to have a child into the mix?  Will anyone REALLY stop to think of the CHILDREN?  Sadly, I think not.  No, as long as money and entitlement and the desires of adults are at the fore of adoption, children will be abandoned at the bottom of the scrap heap.


23 January 2013

Adoption's proud supporters

I am slow to post of late; mostly due to a hectic pace in life as we settle into a new routine here in NZ however I have also been spending my time reading the various blogs and pondering on their opinions and viewpoints.

One thing that keeps coming back to me of late, and I know I have said this numerous times in the past, is really and truly how hypocritical adoption is.  And not just with the way adoption is viewed by society and how society contradicts its own morals and ethics as soon as adoption is mentioned; but also in the way people involved in adoption behave, what is expected of them and who can get away with what.

It seems wildly contradictive that supporters of adoption ie adopters, agency workers and PAP’s can not only say what they please but do what they please (and some do some very wild things) and still come up squeaky clean whereas the rest of those involved in adoption – the mothers, adoptees and wider families hardly have to put a toe out of line and they are condemned as trash no matter what.

Reading the various blogs and comments pertaining to those blogs, I see a lack of civility in so many of adoption’s proud supporters.  They whinge, throw tantrums, are the most unmannered types of individuals and yet they get respect?  Again, only in the upside-down, inside-out world  of adoption where usual accepted behaviour is thrown out the window can many turn into horribly nasty villains and are still pitied and seen to be virtuous and good.

As I posted a couple of years ago now, adoption brings the very worst, most ugliest in humanity… for nothing can be so feral and revolting than the desire to take another mother’s child, at any cost - even unethically and downright illegally - to raise as one's own for one's own pleasure.

Not only is the hypocrisy in how the mass supporters of adoption behave but also in the way they get their message out.  They will use whatever means necessary to encourage a woman placing an unplanned pregnancy to GIVE up their child.  Should anyone, ANYONE, even in the most polite of ways should dare  raise their hand and question their actions, motives or methods, the most vile fights arise.  And they are usually started by those who cannot abide anyone speaking up about the unethical practises of adoption.  Regardless whether they are spoken to in civil terms, have the most intelligent constructed messages put to them, they turn into feral, wild animals and spray the most putrid vitriol possible and have the audacity to pledge for sympathy and label those who dared question as the instigators.  I would name one such occasion but I really do not need to… it is out there in internet land for all to see… from Facebook pages, to forums and blogs (including my own!), it remains in all its hideousness for the world to witness.  But most turn a blind eye to this side of adoption supporters.  Even though they dislike and feel uncomfortable with the manner in which they spray their putrid words, they will keep quiet and become colluders and just as guilty because it is ADOPTION that is the subject matter.  Like it is some ‘Holy Grail’ one must never question at any cost. Thus, hypocritical.

I am not surprised many blogs like my own are attacked.  And ridiculed.  And spoken about as if somehow we were the most evil people in the world.  As FMF recently posted, our words, our content make people uneasy, uncomfortable and so the only way for them to feel better about themselves is to become the sewer rats they accuse us of being and spray vitriol about us… and then to transfer their actions onto us.  Not only is it sad and shows them for who they are but I also find it funny of late.  Because they actually support us in the long run.  With their vile actions, their mean and nasty spirited words, in the end, they help our cause to show adoption as the rotten institution it really is.

How?

Well that is simple really.  How many mothers out there really want these types of persons to raise their children?  How many want their children raised by strangers who are two-faced, nasty and cruel?  Do you really want to see what they think of you?  While pregnant, you may be their everything, their light, their treasure yada yada yada but for the majority, once those papers are final, you will become nothing and in order for you to get there, they will tear you apart in their minds, create lies about you that they will genuinely believe so they can slam that door shut in your face.  Their hypocrisy will be complete and you will be left in the cold.


And as a recent commenter put it:


As for their message… really?  I mean, they really think their message is all that sweet?  They write posts to tear us apart, claiming our manner of delivering our message is all wrong but have they taken the chance to look in the mirror so to speak?  I am not sweet, I say things like it is.  It is known as blunt honesty.  I don’t care how a person takes that and if it puts them off.  Just tells me real good old fashioned virtues like honesty are so unusual now that it makes people uncomfortable.  Tough.  Perhaps that is just a further symptom of how much lower the human race is sinking.  Truth. Honesty.  Justice.  Compassion.  Love.  None of these words have any meaning or real place in adoption.  Despite adoption being touted as an act of love, Love, real actual, honest-to-goodness-Love, is non-existent.  More contradictions.  More hypocrisy.  But then, that is adoption for you.  The biggest contradiction of humanity out there.