Life for me has been fairly good of late... okay, I have fought to make it good of late. We are currently in the throes of sorting through our shoebox (what we all call our home) for the move across the ditch.... or New Zealand for those who don't know our slang terms!
Keeping busy has been good, most of the time. I am getting more done now than I ever thought and I am hoping this move will truly be a great step forward for me personally as well as for our whole family. I make plans more now, I laugh a lot, I see glimpses of my old self in the mirror. We were sorting through photographs the other day and I came across a photograph of myself from only 4 years ago and I literally gasped as I saw eyes which held so much pain and so little life. I am so very happy with how much my life has progressed of late and I don't miss the person I was from that time.
But still... in amongst all that joy I am holding so desperately to, there is the anguish, the pain. The neverending saga of what adoption does in a person's life no matter how much we fight to live and look at the positives.
I miss Amber. I miss her a lot. And the latest events which led to my earlier post 'Betrayal' have done much damage. I cannot disclose what happened so openly here however suffice to say things have been harder. Mainly because I felt I had been travelling so well and this event came and knocked me right out of the water. Worse, this person cannot and refuses to accept what they have done is betrayal - neither do they wish to take accountability for their actions and expect others to wear the responsibility for it. I have withdrawn from this person almost entirely, although right now I have left a partially open door so we can try and talk soon.
I just want a break. Away from adoption, away from the anguish and the heaviness of it all. Even with all the great things and the working on looking at all the positives, it remains. All I know is currently my daughter 'hates' me based on the lies and manipulations she has been fed (expected that when the people who took her were liars from the start).
14 years and 5 months into my life sentence... and I just want it to be lifted. I want to be a normal person who deals with normal things. Anyone who says dealing with adoption loss (whether it is as an adoptee or a mother) is normal obviously has no idea what it is like. It is not normal and it should not happen. It isn't an unpreventable event; it is wholly preventable and mostly unnecessary... and in my case, outright criminal and abusive. Ugh. Just so over it and exhausted by it's mere presence in our lives.