25 March 2010

Boulevard of Broken Dreams... oh yeah, I have so been there...

"Boulevard Of Broken Dreams" by Green Day

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...


And this is where I have been treading lately... down my own boulevard of broken dreams. Amongst the ruins of what might have been and what is now. I know my current life is not a 'bad' one. And I dearly love the family I have. But I did have a map once upon a time. A map with plans for the the journey I wanted to embark on. The journey of MY choice. One night, THAT night, changed my path forever as well as the lives of others. Destroying in a puff of smoke all the wonderful plans I had made. Rape. It has so much to answer for.

As I said, I know my life is not a miserable one and I do not view what I currently have as a consolation prize. In fact, I feel very lucky in many respects... but... I have come to the conclusion I am in mourning. Mourning the life I was on the cusp of living. The life I was so looking forward to. One that I had to completely turn my back on. Instead of denying this pain, of trying to block it, I am going to sit with it and hear it out. Face it with all the consequences that are likely to ensue. Maybe say good bye to the ghosts of so long ago... and take that next step. A step on the everlasting journey to healing...

... 'til then I walk alone...