22 July 2009

Choking

Choking. Suffocating. There is no other way to describe these overwhelming emotions threatening to take over my grip on reality. The word ‘pain’ feels overused... it is almost too basic now. There are no words to describe how I really feel.

Every day, I wake up, get up, go about my daily life but at the back of my mind, this monster lurks. Threatening me menacingly... trying to take control of the reigns, but still, I fight back, try to keep my control.

I close my eyes at night and fill my head with daily nonsense; the latest books I have read, my work stresses etc... but she is always there as I let go into slumber. I can see her eyes burning me as she asks why, why, why? I cannot answer her... I cannot connect, my protective shield has gone up and all I have energy to do is hide myself from her, so she cannot see the broken shards left over from my heart.

This, all this from one hug. One hug and one look that has held me captive ever since... accentuating the helplessness in my situation; the fact I cannot be there for my own flesh and blood when she needs me. How can I describe this even remotely close to what I truly feel when I think of my eldest daughter?

In February, I blogged about my last visit with Amber. Since then I have been unable to write to her, unable to email her captors for another visit, unable to let myself think of her as I usually do. It has been unbelievably difficult to try and keep her out... but when I have allowed the thoughts to come, I feel like I could be crushed by their weight; it really has been so traumatising.

Her actions in clinging to me, in not wanting to let go, the look in her eyes... it was all so raw; her pain so clear for all to see and yet I had to stop myself from screaming as she was yet again taken away, taken to a place she calls home with strangers she calls ‘mum’ and ‘dad’ who have forced her to live this pain and are purposely oblivious to her pain so they can fulfil their own desires. As a mother, this incenses me to a point I want to hurt someone. Not that I would... but oh to be a mother lioness who has the right to defend her own young in her own environment. There is no justice in our world.

So, here I sit in a new plain of trauma. It comes with the territory of being in an “Open Adoption”. Someone from hell must have been giving out free lessons on how to cause a new brand of evil and torture that day because it really is above any other torture I have suffered yet. Sexual abuse, assault, terrorism... yes they were all bad but nothing on the losing of one’s own child over and over and over and over.... again.

I’m sorry Amber, so sorry, Mama’s hurting really badly right now that I can’t keep my head above the current... please know how much I love you and wish I could bring you home right now. Peace beautiful girl....