29 September 2008

Incomplete

"Incomplete"

Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you within me I can't find no rest
Where I’m going is anybody’s guess

I tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby
It’s written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistake

I tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

I don’t mean to drag it on, but I can’t seem to let you go
I don’t wanna make you face this world alone
I wanna let you go (alone)

I tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

Incomplete

The words to this song depict perfectly how I feel about my firstborn. Incomplete. Not whole. Empty. I hate it.

I would love to know how to switch off my feelings for my daughter; learn to forget I even had her so I could lead a full life again. This pain is unlike any other; it still has the power to reduce me to a wreck and unable to function 10 years on. It still generates suffering and heartbreak. It still feels raw and like I won't ever be able to breathe again.

I love how I was told once my daughter had been taken I would move on and have other children to replace her. Well, I have two more children but they have their own place in my heart (as they should and deserve) but I cannot move on. See, someone forgot to do some vital surgery when they took my daughter. They forgot to unhook that invisible mother/child bond from heart and they forgot the lobotomy. Had these two things been performed, I could have moved on, could have forgotten her and lived a full and whole life. But this didn't happen and I am left with nothing, living in the shadows of my daughter's life. Her mother yet not her mother. It sucks.

I saw her today. It hurt, hurt so bad after she left I felt like I would never come out of my shell. I retreated as long as I could to my safe place but I cannot stay there as I have two other children who need their Mama. Sometimes though, I wish I could stay there. She has grown so much. I asked her if she was enjoying her visits with us, if she wanted them to continue. Apparently she does. She even wrote me a short note to say that. She doesn't know how to make decisions. Everything is 'I don't know'. I told her she could say what she liked with me. She was allowed to think for herself and she started too. Why would she feel like she couldn't?? She told me today she would like a sister. I told her she had one already and she said "Oh yeah". Then I said I understood she wanted one that lived with her permanently and she said yes. Thats exactly how DD2 feels and I told her that. She smiled. This is just so damn hard. I wish it was easier.

Well I must go. I am feeling fragile and I don't have anything more to say right now. Still processing everything that went on.

21 September 2008

Seeing my girl

So I get to see my girl soon. These visits often have me pent up with so many feelings weeks before. I guess its because we don't really talk. Its not a visit with me per say, but she visits my family and I just happen to be there.

It is so hard to know what is going on inside her head. I know there is something, just what? I so wish I could tell her how much I love her; want her; miss her. But with her adoptive parents breathing down my neck and keen to whisk her away at even a slight whiff of truth, I keep my distance. One day, I hope she will seek answers to the questions I see across her face. One day, I hope she will feel safe enough with me to vent her anger, her hurt at how she feels I gave her away. Because this is how she feels. She has told me that much. And that hurt. I did tell her I didn't give her away but that is all I have said for now. So more questions have formed but now she is afraid to ask them as apparently, she spoke to her adoptive parents about what we discussed and there was 'fallout'. Whatever that means.

I feel they chose to be blind to her and her pain, like if they recognised it, validated it they would see what they are guilty of. They will know they were wrong all along and its something they cannot face. So my baby girl (who is no longer a baby), is suffering for it. And I want to reach out and touch the hurt and kiss it better. Like I can for my other precious daughter. When she (Noodle I will call her) hurts herself, a kiss from Mummy is usually all it takes to make it better and that is what I want to give my oldest. Just something a mother would do; try to take all the 'ouchie' away.

So yeah... this post is me rambling a bit. I just got home from work and its 1:25am and I have had very little sleep this week after we have all had a nasty round of Gastro and my youngest one K.T. has been teething, poor wee guy. Sorry if it makes no sense!

xx

09 September 2008

So I'm finally here...

I have been asked by a few people now when I will start my own blog. So here it is. I am finally here. It is with a little trepidation I start sharing my inner most thoughts so publicly but maybe it will help just a little.

This blog will be about my experience with adoption and what I have learned since being plunged into the 'Shadowlands' so to speak. Many will not like or appreciate what I have to say and that is okay. I am here to educate others so they do not suffer the same fate as I have had to. I am also here to educate others on what adoption is really like and promote ways other than adoption for children who NEED care.

Mostly, I dedicate this blog to my beloved daughter, A. Never for a moment feel you were 'given' away, that you were not loved or wanted. I wanted you, I fought for you and at one stage we were almost reunited by the courts until one judge, who has a reputation for separating young mothers and their children, requested and took over our case and we were wrenched apart despite being proven that I was and am a truly fit mother and that it was in your best interests and welfare to be returned to me at once. This man is responsible for so much pain, heartbreak and anguish; may karma come around and he is given a taste of what he has done to others.

To my readers and supporters, welcome! I cannot promise what I have to offer is anything much, but it is from the heart and soul. Hope to see you around.

Myst xx